The beginning of the end of my 30s.
On the last birthday of my 30s, I decided to share a series of nude self-portraits on my Instagram page. At the time, I had been photographing others nude for more than a decade, but I had almost never shared images of myself. In sharing these images of myself, I wanted to do two things. First, I wanted to show that the bare, vulnerable way that I love photographing others, was something I am willing to turn the camera around and do for myself. I also wanted to document a level of acceptance of my body as I am getting older.
I enjoy photographing the nude figure. When photographing others in a bare and vulnerable way, it’s fairly easy for me to approach it with an appreciation for the body as an object of beauty, and something to be celebrated creatively. My approach is generally to document the figure without pretense, expose the beauty of imperfections, and celebrate people as they are! Sometimes it can be a way to challenge myself, and beautiful norms. I enjoy the opportunity to engage people’s vulnerability, and play with angles, light, and shadows to make interesting images and share the beauty of others as I see it.
While I am willing to make my own body available in the same way, I find myself lacking a fixed perspective. While it’s easy for me to see others as art, and document something uniquely beautiful, I often perceive my own body as simply the vehicle I use to get around. In regard to my own beauty, I struggle to see myself as more than a genetic combination of the two beautiful people who made me, with the moderate slender build of someone who eats too much pizza, drinks a lot of beer, and rarely exercises. I don’t put a lot of effort into my physical appearance. Even when I’m complimented on my hazel brown eyes, the thought in my head is, “I rarely see, or notice them. I’m honestly more impressed that I have 20/20’ish vision, and don’t yet need corrective lenses.”
I appreciate the functionality and form of bodies, including my own, but I struggle to perceive my body through the same artistic lens I see others. But still, I am intrigued by the challenge of viewing my body as a subject for artistic exploration and creativity, and I am eager to explore this idea further through photography.
As I approach my 44th birthday, already half a decade since I posted those self-portraits on Instagram, I am overwhelmingly aware of how much uncertainty accompanies this creative endeavor. I have no solid ideas how I’d like to see myself. I am completely unsure of how to pose or present myself in the photographs. But I am drawn to the potential benefits of celebrating myself with my camera, as I have celebrated many others. This project is a means of self-exploration and acceptance. By confronting my body through the lens of photography, I hope to build a clearer understanding and appreciation of myself. Ultimately, this journey represents a quest for self-discovery and self-expression, as I navigate self-identity through my creative practice.